Choose
Posted: 06/30/2011 Filed under: Motherhood, Photography, Stories, Thoughts, Us 4 Comments »
It’s been a matter of much discussion and thought as of late, this issue of whether I will finish my dissertation.
Every day, all day, it’s on my mind. In my head, I hear the words of those who love me, “It would be such a shame to have done so much work and not be credited for it!” I also hear the words in my heart, “It would be such a shame to stay on this path when the life you want awaits you on another.”
I was 24 when this whole PhD business began. I am 33 now. In the intervening years, a sea change has occurred in me. In what I want for myself, what I value. What I think of academia, what I think of science. Where I want to take my life, and how I want to get there.
I’ve been telling myself: July is it. July is the month. You make a real effort to move on this dissertation, or you hand the data over and let it all go.
Today, I walked the house with Bennett in a sling, his legs folded like the Buddha, facing outward. He watched the house go by; I pondered the choice that lies before me. We passed the wall calendar, a work of beauty by Nikki McClure, each month assigned an action word and an accompanying image: behold, endeavor, expect, and the like. Today, June 30th.
“Tomorrow is July! Let’s change the calendar page!” I said to Bennett. “What will the word be?”
And there it was, like a directive from beyond myself, in capital letters, stark white against a black background:
CHOOSE.
I stood, looking at that word. Blinking. Stunned.
CHOOSE.
I kissed the top of Bennett’s head.
July. A good month to make a choice.
WOW – when the universe speaks, it is good to listen. You will make the best choice for you, but in your pondering just remember that if you do what you love, it is never work.
What Aunt Carol said.
If you no longer love it, let it go, and be freed by it!
Good luck! As a mother and scientist I can understand what a tough choice that could be. I’m sure you will make the one that is right for you.
After reading your post I thought of this woman (Stefanie Japel):
http://petitepurls.com/blog/?p=415
I have one of her knitting books and I have always thought that opening a knitting/craft store would be something that I would love to do if I gave up on science (may still happen–who knows!). I found Stefanie though knitting but she was a geologist (think she did a postdoc at Yale). Instead of continuing on that path she has decided to stay at home with her kids. Plus she designs some really nice things! It is interesting to read about her struggle about not having a “career” though. I think we tend to devalue our contributions when we are ‘just’ being mothers. For me, I gain energy from doing other things (learning Swedish, science, knitting, etc) to be a better mother. I am more patient when I have had time away from Maiken so I really respect those who choose to be at home with their children full time. Of course, I also have the blessing of a wonderful daycare/daycare system that makes it easy. We will miss Lilla Lantern so much when we move!